Fev 06
So, that night did not turn out to be what i'd expected.
What promised to be the best new year's eve of my life suddenly became the worst nightmare i've ever experienced.
So much for my new year's resolutions.
Once again i've tasted the bitter flavour of a love deja vú.
Of course i can always pretend it doesn't hurt, but the pain is so unbareable that i wouldn't make it.
So, how do you act when suddenly you're swept off of your feet?
How do you deal with the fact that the year 2006 will be as bad or worst than the year before?
How on earth do you admit to yourself that you were living a fantasy, you read all the writings on the wall and still ignored the signs?
When will you learn that the only honest people you know are your friends, and there's a reason for them to be just friends, instead of something else?
Why do people try to spare pain, causing even more pain?
Why can't i get anything right?
Maybe this year will teach me something new, instead of what i already know..
publicado por JayneMars às 13:21

Dez 05
blah blah blah..
Overall it was a good year.
I've found love again, true love.
I've started to enjoy little things in life that actually mean the world to me..like the smile on your face, a touch of your hand or the look in your eyes.
I've started thinking about my future that now seems so clear to me. All the dreams i used to have will only be fulfilled if you're around.
I admited to myself that there are people around me i dislike, as human beings, and that's ok...even if i used to love them before.
This year also made me mature, worry about different things, made me improve and also made me cherish those who really matter.My friends.
Blah blah blah, new year's resolutions :

-Be happy
-Be with you
-Be a pain in the arse to my friends
-Be with you
-Be happy (wih you)
-And if i have some time left...finish university..

Happy New Year Everybody!!

Jayne Mars
publicado por JayneMars às 12:05

Nov 05
I sit here, right here, where i belong.
I'm waiting for you.
For only you.
Having you, there's nothing else i wish to have. You are all i need to breathe.
I dream of a time when i get home after a tough day working, and you greet me with a smile. And then we kiss. We talk about everything, even about nothing, and you're mine. And i'm yours. Forever.
I like the way you make me feel.
You calm the stormiest weather, you make me feel secure.
You made me believe in life again, and made me realize there are still good, pure people around.
I'm sorry i ever made you cry.
I'm sorry i almost drove you away from us.
I'm sorry if i ever believed i could live without you. I can't. I need you like the air i breathe.
I'm sorry for all the times i was (and still am) unfair.
I'm sorry you don't see the love i feel for you.
But it's there.
Because i miss you madly when you leave my side for a second.
Because my life is empty, so empty, when you're not around.
Because you are my dream, my priority, my love.
publicado por JayneMars às 00:18

Nov 05
I light up a cigar, a distant, empty look upon my face.
We stood in silence, with so much to speak.
I wanted to reach out and touch your hand, but instead i pretended you weren't even there.
I wanted to tell you i felt hurt when, once again, you didn't tolerate who i am.
But you're still my world, nothing changed.
I wanted to say that i stood looking through the window, when you left, hoping you'd come back...But you never did.
Instead of finding ways to come closer to you, i just found ways to build bridges of ice between us.
publicado por JayneMars às 19:40

Nov 05
The sun is hidden by the clouds.
I hear a rough noise in the distance,brought to me by the friendly wind.
If only it could rain.If only the rain could wash away this pain.
It is summer. Three long months of sunshine, hope and laughter, too much happiness for me to bare.
I want to feel a storm, as a mirror of my soul.
Where are you, my sunshine?
Why does happiness run away to be with you, when you are never near?
I envy the days that are yours, 24 hours that belong just to you. Why are you so far away from me?
Why do i feel the need to tell you what my heart feels, when it seems like you don't even hear it?
t hurts so much i don't feel pain anymore.
I've cried so hard i don't have anything to cry for, anymore.
I love you so much i feel it doesn't make sense anymore.
With a contradiction, i am not alone.
I have a partner, who's soul is as dark as mine.
Just as a reflection in some old dusty mirror.
He sleeps. I don't. I can't close my eyes, because darkness, even though it's my allie, makes me feel claustrophobic, enclausured in my worst fears.
And then i remember.
I remember why it is i'm far away from you.
I remember all that was spoken, i remember the angst of hiddingthe tears demanding to fall freely, i remember the cover i chose to myself, that made me look strong.
I remember every single expression in your face.
So, left here on my own (He sleeps), i write. Long pages of words without a meaning, i write and write and write some more.
The pen and papper are the companions i chose to walk with me, in this journey to my soul.
It's a journey of a dead poet.
Let me die, and bring me back to life.
publicado por JayneMars às 12:57

Out 05
I tried to say it, more than once
Tried to hide it with lost words
Found a way to tell you, so you don't forget it
But you erased it even before it came to your mind

If love is an enemy
Then i walk hand in hand with the opposite side
In a pure, mature, driven way
I love you.

Not even in our future i will say this to you
Enclausured by the denial you already feel
I shut my mind, i'll say it again
In a silence so loud i can't help to hear

Before you judge any action of mine
Bare in mind that guilt will follow
Wandering in my soul, so hollow
Waiting for this love to be corresponded

I ignore the ways to comunicate
Always hoping that you break this silence i hate
And tell me, for once, you love me the same way
This dying poet does to you.

A broken heart so destroyed
So many times torn apart
Never lives to see day light again
But, nevertheless,

It sees you, feels you, breathes you
So intensively that it begins beating again
But i wake up, alone, distraught
Because you never knew i felt it

And this silence
So histerical
So loud and unforgettable
Forgot how to remain calm, and shouts inside my soul
publicado por JayneMars às 15:24

Ago 05
The time has arrived.Your time.The time has come for you to be brave.
Every single memorie is still very fresh in my mind.And in my heart.And soul.
I remember our long conversations about our future, wondering how everything would be.What we would make of it.
It went by so fast..but it was only yesterday..or at least it feels like it.
I remember how we laughed together, how you made me laugh.
I remember the sound of your voice, so clearly it feels you're right here speaking to me..
I try to ignore it, but it is a fact.
You're not here with me anymore. I'm not sure when you will be again, and that thought makes me twitch with pain.
You decided to go and seek your dreams. But you left such an empty space inside my heart..
It's not an exclusive feeling. It's present in all of our friends. It hurts us all to speak your name..It hurts so much that you are far away, that the mere thought of you brings tears to my eyes.
I wanted to have hold you, one last time.
I wanted to have kissed you, one last time.
My dear friend, i didn't have the chance to say goodbye...
Now that you're there, do me a favour.
Be fabulous, like only you can be.
Shine like a star, like only you can shine.
Be happy, be yourself, be proud.
I can promise you i will want to follow your every move.
Forgive me if i cry, it's just that i truly miss you. But i promise you that every teardrop falling from my eyes is a bit of strenght i'm sending you.
Like one of our "friends" once said : "It's just the beginning, it's not the end..".
So go now..be brave!
"You know it's time to say goodbye, and don't forget on me you can rely, i'll help on your way,i will be with you...everyday." .
I'll see you tomorrow.

To my husband Xah - Love you*
publicado por JayneMars às 15:36

Ago 05
Jayne Mars returns from her break in the blogosphere,and will add more new stuff very soon!!

publicado por JayneMars às 17:43

Jul 05
This is where everything went wrong.
The "I love you" sentence has once again proven to be not so suitable.
But i still do. I Still love you. Even if there's nothing left to say between the two of us, here remains the words i never told you,but always felt...
I Love You.
publicado por JayneMars às 17:03

Jul 05
I've never wanted things to turn out this way.
No,i wanted it to be the total opposite.
My plan, as i determinantly stated many times, was to never fall in love again. Ok, too harsh. Maybe not for two or three years, then.
At that moment love, to me of course, was nothing more than a cruel monster, and once i managed to get by the hurdle standing in my heart, i'd return to my own little world, lock myself up, and remain cold as ice towards everything related to love.
That was something that was ruling my life at the time, somewhat of a strenght to move on, something i could rely on, something i strongly believed inside of me and made my days bareable.
Little did i know i was aiming to the wrong landscape.
I met you.
I tried to ignore the signs that were telling me i was, once again and like i didn't plan, falling in love.
I tried, with all my strenght, to fight back that feeling.
Knowing me, i knew it wouldn't work. I'm just not cut out to love. Maybe i'm immature, maybe i've never truly loved someone, but the remaining fact is that i'm severely lacking in that area.
But my feelings grew stronger everyday, and now,many months gone by, i would almost take a chance and tell you i love you.
It's a very strong word to come out with, and basically i don't believe it anymore.
I think i'm afraid of that sentence.
Love to me isn't a fairytale anymore.
It's rather disgusting i've stopped believing in love at such young age.
And not even you, whom now i love, are making me believe in it.
Because i've been burned so many times i need to feel steady ground beneath my feet. And everytime i start to feel it, you take it away from me, leaving me 10 times more insecure than i was in the beginning.
Pardon me if i don't believe in little hearts sprinkling around, or if i stopped believing in love.
No one said it was easy, but it's up to you.
Now don't do this anymore, i don't believe in games either.
If you firmly believe we can be together, be constant, don't give and take, 'cos this only makes this scared child move away.
publicado por JayneMars às 01:12

Fevereiro 2006






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